One rule to ring them all

Okay not really.

When it comes to parenting, though, I only really have one rule. Okay, two rules, rule #1 being: do not kill or eat your children. It's a pretty universal rule, however, and I generally don't bother with rules that also happen to be laws.

So my one rule is this: Do not be afraid of the question "Why?".

It's actually a relatively hard rule to follow, but I think it's important. I also have an advantage: I'm a compulsive explainer. Most people, as near as I can tell, aren't, and that makes it somewhat more difficult. That said, I think it's important.

Let me examine the reasons that many people are afraid of the question and how to address them:

You don't know the answer.

Congratulations, you don't know something! Which makes you just like everybody else.

There are a number of reasons a parent might not want to address topics they don't know, and I disagree with all of them. They range from being worried about losing your kid's respect to not wanting to look dumb. All I can say to that is that you can turn these into opportunities for both you and your child. If you don't know something, here's my stock answer: "You know, I don't know the answer to that. Let's go do some research on that when we have some time!" Of course, you do need to actually do the research, and then come back with an answer. Sometimes they're easy, sometimes they're hard. Maybe you won't ultimately come up with an answer. But what's a better way to build parent-child rapport than trying to find an answer to a question together?

The answer is too complicated, the child won't understand

Maybe, maybe not. The ability to understand usually comes with a foundation of knowledge. A lot of that knowledge comes with experience, and it's true, to some extent, that you can't simulate that. You simply can't explain to a child what it feels like to face-plant into concrete until the child has done something similar him or herself. That said, you can still discuss the topic and try to make analogies to things the child does understand.

And the bad part about this: If you assume your child won't understand, and you refuse to explain, then your child won't understand. And might go ask someone else who isn't as interested in your child's well-being as you. Or even the truth. If you explain and your child doesn't understand, that gives you something you can work with, later. Maybe it's a good teachable moment.

Nobody knows the answer.

Yeah, these are tough ones. Good examples are "Why do bad things happen?" and "Is there really a God?". These, you just have to power through and invoke philosophy. These are incredibly important questions, because generations of thought have gone into them and while they aren't going to be answered, the questions that come up end up as the fundamental basis for our current system of morals. This gives you good opportunities to discuss right and wrong and what you believe and why you believe these things. These are hard, but can you think of anything more important than teaching your child your values of right and wrong? Because holy cow you don't want them learning that from television.

The topic is too adult / you don't want your child to know about that topic

This is one I strongly disagree with. Some people believe that knowledge is dangerous, but I believe very strongly that ignorance is dangerous. Yes, sex is a hard topic. But one of the reasons it's a hard topic is that we have a broken image of what sex even is. Look around at our society and in traditional gender roles, women are valued for their innocence while boys are valued for their conquests. The very traditions we have are part of a broken power dynamic. Think long and hard about what you instill upon your children by intentionally keeping them ignorant.

Instead, talk about sex. Your child isn't going to understand the physical aspects of it right away, but the interactions? Our lives are surrounded by sex. Where our rural ancestors used to learn about sex as much from animals on the farm as each other, today our kids learn about sex from TV, music, the internet and of course each other.

Won't you be a lot better off if you get there first and explain what you can as well as you can? Explain the consequences of sex but also explain the good parts. Teaching your daughters that sex is evil isn't going to do her any favors. Teaching your children about babies and sexually transmitted diseases and the difference between love and lust and the kinds of power dynamics that happen between partners? Maybe your child can reach the dating scene armed and less likely to get hurt on the first try and less likely to hurt someone else on the first try. Then again, maybe not, but if you've prepared your child, then your child might also be less afraid of coming to you after something bad happens. And that's important too.

I don't want my authority questioned.

Yes, the power dynamic between parents and children is actually pretty complicated. But here's the thing. Children are hard-wired to question your authority. If you spend too much of your time imposing your authority without justification, then when they're adults you're putting them in a situation where they might also fail to question someone else's authority. And that questioning may be incredibly valid.

Also, if you don't have the ability to explain to your child why your rules are the way they are, can you answer that question yourself? Is there anyone better qualified to question your authority than the ones who are directly subject to it? Your job, in my mind, is to prepare your child to live on his or her own in the world and succeed. In an ideal world, be more successful than you are. But in reality, all that really matters is to find happiness and live a long, good life, doing what you think is right and contributing something to the world in the ways you and your child appreciate.

In order to do this, you need to teach your child why the rules are the way they are. And you might learn something about them yourself. "Because that's how my Dad did it," isn't always the right answer, unless you have a deeper understanding of why your Dad did it that way. I cannot think of a better use of time than digging deep into those issues and figuring out what you're ultimately trying to accomplish.

You don't have time to answer right now.

Yeah this is a hard one. But just because you dont have time, be careful about discouraging the question. You don't have time right now, but surely you'll have time later, right? It's absolutely true that while crossing a busy street, that's not going to be a great time to answer the potentially very silly question your child just asked, but it is absolutely possible to put a question off to be answered later. Just be sure that you keep your child's trust by actually addressing the majority of the questions later. And do it nicely: "Now isn't a good time, dear, but ask me again when we get home." is a good one. Because you don't really want to discourage the question at all.

Because I already answered the damn question 12 times!

Another hard one. Look, kids love repetition, and adults don't. It's hard not to snap at the kid. You don't mind answering the question, I get it, but can we get a different question now?

Look at this as an opportunity to continue to develop reasoning. They already know the answer, maybe they just want to be walked through it again because it gives them something to talk to you about and they don't know another way to make conversation. Or maybe they really just like the repetition. But at this point, don't just answer the question. And don't give a sarcastic "What do you THINK?" answer either. Calmly and helpfully walk them through the reasoning that gets them to the answer.

And yes, eventually you do need to start putting off the question for later. But be nice about it. Maybe the whole problem is they just want to talk to you.